no-sense nonsense

is it frustration? or is it loneliness? or plain unhappiness?......
have been trying to find out what it really is....all these days.....but nothing comes of it...only more unhappiness, frustration, depression, loneliness. that is all the possession i have now. Probably if i were to die this time, this day, and my body ripped open, all my organs, cells, the blood vessels will have these words scribbled all over them, all of them would have shrunk with melancholy, and with the shade of depression.......
too many times i have tried doing this.....tried to find and reason the source of this state of my mind...to define it, to find a name for it, so i can preserve it in a glass case - like the one that sits in the bio lab in school (i never saw another one) n look at it often as if it were nt mine but one belonging to someone else whom i know not in person.......
nothing works.....nothing happens.....the present phase seems like an episode from beckett's.....nobody comes.nobody goes. nothing happens.....oh, really nothing does happen...or it may be that much happens but i am affected by none.......and the same things again....confusion, depression, melancholy - one too deep, loneliness, frustration......
sometimes i feel i am some kind of a creepy-crawly or maybe an oyster or even a turtle, withdrawing into my shell.....i feel i am something else other than a human being...because my temperament is not the one of human beings who surround me, who seem sane, happy, go-getters whose permanence i detest, who are in no way near muddled........ah, how i hate, begrudge every bit of their souls, their organs, their cells, their nerves which have happy smiling tags attached to it.......
or is it plain boredom?....but boredom is a certain spell that happens between the ordinary-routine-dom.......it cannot be a permanent state of existence, one not broken by anything at all, one that continues to linger on for days together, so much so that it seems like the natural, permanent, unaffected one.......and it confuses me....it makes me feel out of the ordinary.....even frightens me......
in the end of all this debate, contemplation, scepticism, these still remain.....depression, frustration, unhappiness, sometimes with their dimensions doubled, tribled, increased manifold beyond my poor mathematics........
nothing comes out of it all....it leads nowhere...like most other activities we so fervently perform......things done merely for the heck of it....because it is meant to be done, because it has been ordained by an unknown someone....not amounting to anything.......
and like all those, i have written so much, maybe someone will read till this last line, and still nothing will come of it all.......