Saturday, June 27, 2009

a piece of sky

(Wrote this for a college assignment. But this has remained very dear to the heart. And hence...)

Indifferent wheels that screech past the road; concrete colossals that crane their necks to make their mark in the firmament above; hoardings of motley colours that scream for attention; men, women and children who trot the happy, puddle-laden, slushy street……these are things anyone would notice. But not the old, dilapidated house that seemed to have ungrudgingly absorbed all the grime of the metropolis onto itself and stood there still like a stubborn old hag refusing to give up. With its moss-laden boundary walls, tiled roof, flaked interiors, broken pillars and cracked flooring, it stood there, an anachronism, as against the grand confusion of a city striving to earn that-something it had long forgotten in the chaos of progress, expanding roads and concrete sprouts.
The heavy iron gate, rusted beyond repair, whined as if to protest when pushed open. There were unkempt bougainvillea trees on either side, a melancholic pink and in full bloom, that had spread to an unweildly canopy, like the hair of the witch in the fairy tale book, so much so that it almost shut the sun out completely. But you notice the shrivelled bark, the termites happily eating away memories from the wood, and you realise this may probably be the last time spring will kiss the optimistic trees.
Climbing dust-laden steps, one reaches the grimy black porch on which muddy shoes had left their imprint, unconsciously leaving the only outward traces of human habitation there. And then one enters the one-time ‘living’ room. On one side are wooden cupboards with glass panes , full of books – from classics and old dictionaries to the latest bestsellers and magazines. And on the other is a long wooden table and a couple of wooden chairs around it. And at the table is the man of the house, reading the day’s newspaper. All that one sees of him is the held up newspaper and wisps of smoke rising from behind it.
The dimly lit corridor with rooms on either side leads to the smoky kitchen with its dark walls covered with soot. And along the corridor one notices the clandestine flight of stairs which leads to rooms upstairs. The wooden planks creaked rhythmically when trodden upon. Many a time a young rebellious teenager would have romped these stairs, in anguish, mostly in rage. And even as you climb up the stairs, you can still hear the clutter of vessels in the kitchen downstairs.
Atop is a large room, full of books, which leads to another room. Books, newspapers, magazines, clothes, accessories, pens, paintbrushes and loose sheets of paper lay strewn all around the room – on the floor, table, chairs and bed. Near the table is a window that opens out onto the noisy street. And through the dusty bars of the window, one sees the firmament. Not vast stretches of it, but only a rectangular piece. A piece of sky. Beyond the framework of that window, the sky is not yours anymore. The owners are many; they are unknown.
It is strange how distance cannot diminish real warmth and fondness. And the finest details push their way through the veils of memory. I close my eyes. This is home. Warm as ever.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

observation

painted nails

have red-painted mouths

that spit

sugar-coated words

punctuated by

"oh my" and

squealing "really"

and uh-uh and tch-tch

painted nails

grow on waxed fingers

that hold delicate phones

and travel on coquettish heels

and discuss 26/11 and darfur

and malnourishment in some african forest

while red lips sip cappuccino

and candy mouths nibble on pizzas

red painted nails

are fastest growing species

their mother

the same vending machine

you pop in a gold penny

and you get a fine face

and you might call it

hypocrisy

Sunday, June 21, 2009

red and blue lights

i hate blue and red lights,
i feel like eliot on the operation table.
a prison. did dungeons have such lights?
or like walking on a dark street,
turning back to gaze into the stalker's eye.
my footsteps gather pace, but the heart's leapin
it's a game of shadowns down unknown alleys
of a drunken crowd, that screams and taunts
cause you have refused to drink tonight
when they hate your fist-sized calm,
and you envy their bliss-laden forgetfulness
not wanting it though under blue, and red lights....
it is not that you hate red
of the christmas star, of the flag that faced the skies
of the hibiscus flower of childhood
that lay crushed to crimson and purple the next day
of gulmohar trees in my hometown
of the first heart you scribbled in your notebook
the smallest, for you were afraid of those watchful eyes,
their opinions, the judgements they would pass
and go into a corner and gaze at red earthen tiles
of school walls, and the red wet earth
it is not that you hated them..
nor blue neither
all transparence that flows as a blue whole
the colour of dreams laced with white clouds
the same crayon to paint the sky and the river
little v-shaped black crows circling above
while a boat and the boatsman hooked on to a fish,
two, three more of them, all in a line...
and later, the boy you called
"my blue horse"
knowing well there was none
it is not that you hated them
it is that i hate red, and blue lights

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

vladimir n estragon

ഞാന്‍ എന്തിനാണീ കാത്തിരിക്കുനത് .... ഏതോ ഉള്‍നാടന്‍ ഗ്രാമത്തിലെ തീവണ്ടിയാപ്പീസില്‍, ഓണത്തിനും സംക്രാന്തിക്കും മാത്രം വരുന്ന തീവണ്ടിക്കെന്നപോലെ. അന്ഹനെ വന്ന അവസാന വണ്ടിയും, ഉറക്കെ ചിരിക്കുന്ന ലകഷ്യസ്ഥാനത്തിലേക്ക് മുന്കൂടി ടിക്കറ്റ്‌ എടുത്ത യാത്രകാരെയും പേറി പോയ്കഴിഞ്ഞു. ഇരുട്ടിലെ ഈ കാത്തിരിപ്പ്‌ വിഡ്ഢികലുടെതാണ്. ഇതു വ്ലാടിമിരിന്ടെയും എസ്ട്രഗുനിന്ടെയും കാത്തിരിപ്പാണ്. വരുവാന്‍ സാധ്യതയില്ലാത്ത, വരുമെന്ന് പ്രതീക്ഷ പോലുമില്ലാത്ത അനന്തമായ നിരര്‍തകംആയ കാത്തിരിപ്പ്‌...

Friday, June 12, 2009

in medical terms

the body has betrayed me yet again.it fails me when i need it most.and this time, when i walked into the doctor's cabin, i knew every word he would say. so when he said my body is losing wait and that dangerously, i smiled.only i know where all the weight has gone, where i've secretly tucked it all away, piled it on day after day, after every fear and frown, tear and taunt .....what my body has lost, my mind has gained..... and is mine still. i shall clutch on it selfishly.someday, a smile and touch will come my way, and i shall then give it all up.....

but as my mind waits, will my body give up waiting.....

Friday, June 5, 2009

only the soul knows how to sing.....

when kamala surayya aka kamala das or madhavikutty passed away on May 31, for many it was the end of an era, an epic; it was also the death of one of the finest writers in Indian English, also one of the controversial; it meant the passing away of one of Malayalam's favourite writers; but for the sad majority it was merely the death of a writer who had written stories and poems laced with sex, courted a controversy too many, and who was "born a Hindu but died a Muslim".....
for me, it was the death of an inspiration....
true that the woman who screamed through her verses to break away from conventions and confinement, adorned the burqah in her later years, given that she relinquished her beloved Krishna to embrace Islam.... but it is not her change of religion or her writings on so-called sex that should have hit the headlines. it is just plainly wrong and so very unjust to the writer and the rich legacy she has bequeathed to lovers of literature all over..... all of us reported the story, but missed the real one, or rather was not even inclined to probe deeper, to find out if there was more.....when she died, all of us conveniently hid ourselves behind the burqah, and sought comfort when her corpse was covered with it....
and more than injustice, i think there was a certain hypocrisy when national dailies reduced the story to single columns or carried it in the inside pages as if to show "we haven't missed the story"..... she deserved more, at least now...not that she really would have bothered, but still....
for me, she cannot die..... she will continue to live.... she lived her entire life through her words, and so death has not really conquered her....
i still remember how i read her "controversial" book My Story.... i was down with heavy fever, my eyes were burning, throat dry and whenever i opened my eyes it was to read from that book..... and reading, i would grow tired and go to sleep still clutching the book..... and by the time i finished the book, and also recovered, i had my mind made up.... i realised i needed to write ...and write without reservations and freely and from the heart.... and through her works, she taught how writing liberates one, how writing is a refuge, an escape, an utopia that urges you to move forward, and sometimes, as for me, writing is the only pleasure and pain in an otherwise dull life.....
.....i can only remember her with respect, gratitude, and more than all this, with irrational, unreasonable love.... with respect, for her not mincing words, her guts to write every word she wrote and for her conviction in every word of it, how she survived every controversy, how she faced every speck of mud that was slung in her face......for gratitude, for inspiring me to write, to introducing me to Malayalam literature.... the first books I read in Malayalam and which still remain my favourites are hers......and with a love that is beyond reason for every word she has written, for her, for the writer and the woman.....
.....On the night of May 30, I was dejected, depressed, that sunken feeling that drives me to the brink of insanity, and in the bouts of which i am pulled into time and again, sinking in melancholy that is too painful.....i was indecisive, had my whole damn life - the past, present, and future - staring at me mockingly.....and like is my temperament of late, i was sleepless....and i opened my diary and wrote..... to actually stare at my feelings, to get an idea of its shape, its contours, its craziness.....and i wrote..."i don't know what to do. i dont know of any job i can do. all i know is i can write...." the next morning the first thing my roommate told me when i opened my eyes was "madhavikutty is dead".....and i suddenly knew, i asked her when....but she didn't know....later i found out it was at 1.55 in the night.....almost to the minute i had written, "all i know is i can write".....well, it is a vague co-incidence..... but i know there is a connection, i had felt that connection when i read her first poem, her first story.... there was a numbness as i came in to office, and was asked to do that copy, a numbness when i read reports of her death on news websites, but the connection remained.....
.....and which is why i feel so enraged at the kind of reports that went following her death...i wouldn't say all, but yeah, the majority..... she was a true artist, a lover, there is so much of love in her works and ironically, she received so much of hate.... her krishna, was not someone she traded off when she converted to Islam, it is the archetype of the lover who loves and hurts, and radha is the woman in love, torn between her husband and lover, between stability and irrationality.....and in love, i have always identified with radha.....i have known and felt krishna, and love that hurts and the hurt that is fulfilling as much as love.....
she wrote, she screamed, she lived, loved, she sang....hers is the only soul that knows to sing.....she is the real story.....