appreciation, happiness, sleep, and others

appreciation has come...finally...from across the floor where i live.....though, i had to force the person to read it...nevertheless, now that it has come.....i am happy....just a wee bit.....not the tremendous happiness, when you can go on stretching your lips for days together, aching your jaws.......it is not that kind of happiness.....it is this little happiness, that touches the heart, that leaves a dimple in the soul.......that spreads a certain warmth, one that slowly permeates your living moments, a warmth you would love to fall back on, you know is waiting for you, like the lovely quilt i recently acquired and into which i crawl into every night hoping it will bring me sleep, hours of tranquility, and most of all forgetfulness.......but no, the comparison may be amiss.....for, it is a definite traitor.....it makes me crawl into it, promises me sleep and forgetfulness, and then plagues me bit by bit, with the most terrible of dreams....this quilt of mine is like a lover who betrays......whom i love and trust, and in whose warmth i lie every night.....nevertheless, i still go back to it, night fter night, like the devoted lover whose love is strong enough to tide over the treachery of her partner......and every night, in hours long after the boisterous world and its many inhabitants have tended bedwards, finished their dark vices and are snoring, not even unbearably now,......in those hours, i will lie awake, staring at the ceiling where the fan rotates no more, at the wall where my paintings hang, and thinking of the past, the present, the future.....all blending, one into the other, the lines blurring......as if i were painting carefully, and someone just hit me at the elbow and splattered paint of all hues on the one i was etching long and with love........tonight, when i calculate and dream, and when mathematics and poetry will seem like one inseparable whole, growing inside my brain or my uterus, sometimes like a baby, sometimes the cancer.........i will then tonight, think of this little appreciation i won today, and the warmth will spread......and my eyes will close, my pounding heart will appear calm and i will no more hear its rhythmic beats, my muscles will relax, the blood in my numerous vessels will stop gushing to and fro, my nerves will stop carrying tensions and anxieties, and will become carriers of dreams............and then i will sleep.......bliss....forgetfulness....