in perpetual confusion

ok..these have become kind of my favourite three words..."in perpetual confusion"...but now, i guess, its bordering on "in perpetual boredom". cant remember the last time when i was really really interested in something, really hooked on to something...but part of it is because i don't even try. and now i am wrting this..cos i am wondering why i started this blog.....i suck at technology, it makes me feel ignorant, small, handicapped...and anyday, i love pen n paper n pencil n crayons than this combination of a keyboard, mouse n monitor.....the computer has no smell associated with it...all computers smell the same, even feel the same.....ok, i have this thing for smells, always had i guess...i associate smells with people, places, childhood memories...like my nursery school, back in my lovely hometown has this smell...someimes, i like to believe, when the wind blows from the south, it brings with it that peculiar smell, the smell of Hari Sri nursery school n needless to say, the memories tag along...but sometimes, there are no memories, jus the smell...and that is enough.....i hate the smell of delhi...i already know what it smells like...at least the smell of the sultry summers, the smell of my boring hostel room, which is my refuge now..... and i know i hate it.....the smell of crushed neem leaves, combined with the pus of the ailing leper on the road, of mustard oil, of dirt n filth n disease........there is not the fecund smell of the earth when the first monsoons touch the earth back home....and i am at the balcony at home, watching the rain drops tickle down from the tiled roof.....
but this is not what i wanted to write about when i started out...i wanted to write about the state of my perpetual confusion or boredom or rather both....for nowadays i cannot differentiate one from the other.....it is one and the same....did i need to say this extra statement?...aah, blah...how does it matter now.....does anything matter at all...oh, crap...before i divert, once again.... my ode to perpetual confusion...not an ode really, but here it goes, n this time i hope i can focus...
though, the words sounds a cliche even to me now, the three describe what i am, just me...n nowadays, it rings so true...couldnt have come up with a better phrase....i have this strange interesting problem of late, that i cant decide whether it is too cold or too hot......true, it is the beginning of winters in this goddamn city...but shouldnt it be taking care of itself...rather than leaving the question open to me, when i cant decide things for myself, how on earth am i going to decide on the weather....i wonder at times now, whether the weather is purely a psychological phenomenon....whether it is ur mind that decides what is summer, monsoon or winter.......
but the mind does have seasons of its own.....different from n indifferent to the seasons n climatic changes on the outside.....whoa..if that can be called a discovery, n if am to revel in this little finding of mine, ppl out there are gonna think my life is really sad....but, do i care..no, coz partly it is true.....
n there are those times when i cant decide whether to sit, or stand or to move about...whether to take a bath or not...whether to wear clothes or not wear the terrible accesories on....oh, blah...i cant decide on the simplest of things...they grow in front of my eyes, metamorphise into huge demons, growl at me, threaten to devour me.....n yeah, i can never never decide if i am hungry or not......and, here comes the greatest problem, never can decide if i am in love or out of it...but somehow, this guy of mine s very helpful...not very demanding, so i hop in n out......creating misery for me n for him, but somehow, it jus goes on...not many hassles, save d horrendously enormous ones i create........
n abt life.....swear i love life, i am kinda interested in it, have kinda some dreams, but i do not know what to make of it.....never can decide if this is really what i want to do in life...n yeah, i hate those people who know everything about how their darned lives should turn out to be, know what they want out of it,.....i dont...n i cant pretend that i dont care....otherwise am such a pretentious creature, except when i write...when i write am honest, n words flow n am jus myself.......which is why i love this one activity....without it, my soul would have been lost long ago...n which is why, i have this blog, though i hate technology, or rather it hates me......because, when i am bored in office, n there is not much work, when its a lean day like this one, this is my refuge, my only resort, more close to my heart n soul n my goddamn life, than my guy, parents, my room back home, rain, crayons, paint, n my hometown (not in any definite order though)......
n it is because i discovered this one refuge long ago, that i still manage to live on, to move on despite my scattered wits, despite everything...this is one thing am grateful for......though i dont know to whom............
now i may get back to work, if there is any.......