a certain depth

what i am looking for is perhaps a little deeper..... a depth far beyond the physical eye can see, one that produces blue reflections in the far end of the eye - both physical and mental..... a depth that enables me to dive into your heart.... to dive, and drown and then resurface refreshed.....it is that certain depth that i am in search of......not the one that moistens my feet, with water striving in vain to gurgle upto my angles as i sit on the banks of that dreamy, lazy river......not that....the depths should be wild, bewitching, haunting, seductive, even eerie...... i need to feel in love and adventerous too.....and then as i dive, i want to be pulled into the wilderness, i need to fill stifled, suffocated, helpless n yet happy...... as i drown, hlplessly, my arms and legs lashing crazily against the stong push of your ebbs and tides, i then need to wear that smile.....not the fake one i forever take from my pink pouch and apply on my lips before i venture out.....but the genuine one, the one i smiled when the first light touched my eyes and my mom's lips touched mine, the one that was on me even when the warm moisture of the umbilical cord remained.....the one that produces dimples in my heart.......and yet, i will lash out in full strength...i will try to hold on to any familiar thing.... i will look for familiar things, a twig, a stray piece of wood, anything to hold on to so i can go back....but the truth is, i do not wish to go back.....and yet i will try, pretend before you...... and you will know....and you will lovingly push me up.....as if you were refusing me, as if you would let me go, as if this one time were enough for you and for me, for us......and then i would resurface from the depths, i would open my mouth and gasp for the familiar stench of air....... and then i would think, some ordinary mortal whose touch i detest - in crowded buses, on busy lanes, in the clothes market, in temple queues - will perhaps see my raised hand and pull me up..... but before i know, before i can even think that you have refused me you will pull me back into your depths and i shall once again be lost...... i shall go down, down, down.......till the very depths, till there is a new world, away from the familiar, the mundane, the boring, the ugly........and forever and forever i will explore.....but every now and then, i know your waves will push me up, pull me down and let me drown, explore, love and smile.......until you can let go of me no more...... until i become so much a part of your azure blue that we will flow as one inseparable whole........that is the depth.....the depth i am looking for in you.......
i do not want the shallow depth that enables me to see the printed letters of the glass ware company that manufactured my coffee mug........
wishing you would pull me into those depths, with love, with care, with the madness in you...... if ever those depths are yours......